I was sitting on the ‘EL’ a week ago heading for O’Hare Airport when the train stopped at the Wrigley Field station. Five young teenagers around 13 years of age boarded and sat in the seats next to me; well, four of the five sat down and one stood by the door. Three of the four friends who were seated turned to the one who was standing and asked him, “Why don’t you just sit down next to Mike?” as there was an open seat next to the remaining friend. Without hesitation, the long haired boy puffed up his chest and angrily replied, “Because I don’t sit next to gays!” That caught my full attention and immediately I looked at “Mike”. He looked up and then looked right back down, burying his head in the instrument case he was carrying. The other three friends just blankly stared in his general direction and did not know what to say or do. After that brief moment of shock, still clueless in how to respond to their hurting friend, the faces of the three friends uneventfully changed back to a normal look and they continued in their original conversation as if nothing had happened. Yet for Mike, something did happen. Imagine what it must be like to be 13 years old and carry that burden. Shame? Guilt? Awkwardness? I do not know anything about that young man’s life, his story, or his mental state of being. But what I do know is that his reaction gave me all of the information I needed!

How many tears can one person cry? How much pain does someone have to endure before the breaking point emerges at the forefront of one’s existence? How many times do we have to hide what is happening inside our heads and hearts, simultaneously departmentalizing our fears because we are scared of what others’ might do if they actually find out? Friends, do not read this and think that am I writing this newsletter only for those in the GLBT community. Look inside of yourself…what do you see? Me – it is a fear of failure; a fear of being helpless; a fear of not having the answer for those most in need who are desperately searching for something, anything, that will set their souls free from the prison in which they feel trapped. It is for these reasons that I obsessively work, give, and study to a point of exhaustion so that I might never have to face any of those realities. And then, what about God in all of this? At least in my life I feel that if I can successfully hide my fears from others, than those same fears must also be hidden from God!

The past two months have been a time of realization for me as the Lord has continued to scale my life down to nothing more than a real and raw understanding of what has been asked of me as I continue to traverse my daily life. This journey started while I was sitting in a local café in the Boystown neighborhood of Chicago, having lunch with an old friend of mine who is gay. He began to question out-loud why God only speaks to him when he is angry and yelling at God?! When my friend emotionally related his experience to me, my mind snapped back to a week earlier when a brother within the foundation gave me the exact same scenario, since he only hears from God when he is broken down after having anonymous sex with men in a Chicago bathhouse while on a Crystal-meth binge. It was at this moment, talking with my friend at the diner that I was finally able to put two and two together.

God longs for us to be real, raw, and honest with Him no matter what the circumstances and method of communication. True fellowship and dialogue come when we have no secrets and no hidden agendas. We connect with God when we are communicating in the manner in which He made us. Anything that hinders that process is going against what He has asked of us. Only through broken honesty can we obtain our ideal relationship! My friends, take the pain, the guilt, the hidden dark places and the shameful secrets and release those burdens to the only One who can bring us eternal comfort, regardless of how we bring the message. Be real. Be raw. Be Bold.

Thank you and God Bless,

Andrew Marin